dial down the defensiveness and reap the rewards

It wasn’t until my mid 30s that I was sat down and taught about the value of giving and receiving feedback. It was part of a course and if I’m honest, when I saw it was on the agenda for that week, I thought it was boring and self-explanatory; I thought the topic was silly, obvious and a bit box-ticky. Yes, yes, sandwich constructive criticism between positive observations. Got it.

Almost immediately upon dissecting the topic in more detail, I was surprised to gain valuable insight. I realised that my experience of giving and receiving feedback up until that point had been fairly non-existent.

I work in a creative industry as a freelance contractor. This means I bounce from project to project, company to company; there’s no continuity when it comes personnel, protocols, or hierarchy. There’s no formal structure in place for feedback of any kind.

I didn’t know it, but I had developed an understanding that feedback was a threat.

No feedback = good. No notes means I’m good at my job, I don’t need telling what to do, I’m respected. 

Feedback = bad. You need steering; you’re inadequate, failing, and you’re not doing it right.

Fearing feedback

Sophie arrived at the office at her usual time. She took the stairs up to her department, punched in the code to the lock-box, removed the key and unlocked the door; she was first in again. She wandered back down to the kitchen, warmly greeting the office manager as she passed – “morning Annie!” – and began her usual ritual of assembling her usual breakfast. She made a tea for herself, and an oat milk latte; she knew her colleague would be in by the time she got back and with his 8-month old not sleeping, she knew he would never decline the chance for caffeine. After polite morning greetings and enthusiastic exchanges of last night’s TV, she sits down to write her to-do list for today. As she finalised the order of priority, her boss popped their head around the door: “Sophie, have you got a minute? We just need to have a quick chat about that email you sent.” Immediate dread. Sophie’s cheeks flushed as she begins to panic about what she might have done wrong…

Receiving feedback

There are lots of reasons why receiving feedback might activate your nervous system. Perhaps you’ve never really done it before, like me, in which case it’s only natural to feel nervous of criticism or critique. Perhaps you have a sensitivity to rejection – or at least perceived rejection – which could stem from past trauma or neurodivergence. Nobody likes being “pulled up”, and I think most people would brace themselves if they thought this was what’s about to happen.

But if you take a moment to re-frame feedback not as a threat or a take-down but as an act of generosity, then something amazing happens…

Look at athletes. When they are working with a coach towards a shared goal, feedback is what they rely on to improve their technique. “Keep your arms down”, or “tuck your head in”. It’s not personal, it’s not nasty; it’s given for the sole purpose of improvement.

The person who is offering feedback is in a different position to you. They are seeing you and the events or work or style or approach you have taken from a different angle. This unique perspective is useful to you. If someone is kind (or brave!) enough to take the time to offer their observations, dial down your defensiveness and hear them out. The best case scenario is that they’re right, and you can take it on board and evolve. The worst case scenario is that they’re not right or their delivery is off, and you don’t have to listen to them anyway!

Giving feedback

Two things: delivery and context.

Delivery. Is what you’re saying helpful and insightful, or is it personal?

Context. Is feedback warranted i.e. are you in a professional or educational environment?

If yes:

At the start of the course, my feedback was tentative; mostly celebratory words of encouragement. A few weeks in, our tutor called us all out on our meek feedback. She asked us to consider the purpose of offering feedback to one another, and bluntly told us that by being polite we were squandering each other’s opportunities for growth.

I had felt unqualified to offer feedback, especially in a learning environment – who am I to do that?. But over time, I began to realise that the most helpful thing I could do for my peers was to reflect what I see, from where I see it… with a delivery that is kind, constructive and collaborative. I don’t know better than anyone else, but by being an observer I am in a unique position to observe… and report back on what I see. This critical evaluation is key in supporting my peers. It’s my role to do my best and it’s then up to them whether or not – or how much – they take on board, and that’s ok.

If no:

Put simply, it may not be your place to give feedback. Especially unwarranted. There needs to be some formality around the giving and receiving of feedback so without express desire – either a literal or implied contract between parties – I would advise against offering unsolicited feedback.

Feedback in informal environments

Friends, family, loved ones… often we are best place to offer feedback due to our proximity and understanding of one another, but more caution should be taken in this dynamic than within a formal structure. Things can sometimes get slightly sticky.

Familial roles are unique and responsibilities to each other are different. Tone and patience can be shorter with those closest to us. Competitiveness, personality, history and trauma can all play a part in the unravelling of well-intentioned feedback.

Here are three golden nuggets I have identified and try to live by:

1. Would you like comfort, or solutions?

If someone offloads to you and you feel the impulse to fix rising from within, stop! Take pause, compose yourself, and ask them this question: would you like comfort or solutions?

More often than not, people just want to feel heard. They don’t want you to swoop in and solve all their problems. They will feel more supported and loved by simply being listened to.

Resist the urge to take control as a way of showing your love.

2. Artists need encouragement, not advice

If someone you love is pursuing a passion or project, withhold your skepticism. They don’t need doubt and practicalities weighing them down, they need enthusiasm to lift them.

This mantra applies to anything outside your own lived experience. It doesn’t have to be about art; it could be about love, and life, and passion and happiness.

Be your favourite person’s biggest cheerleader.

3. Safeguarding and future-proofing comes above all else

To underscore all of the above, safeguarding and future-proofing comes above all else. If you love someone I’m not suggesting you sit back, offering only comfort, support and encouragement come what may. Sometimes love and support comes in the form of stepping in and guiding – maybe even re-steering – in order to protect them.

This is the most important of the three.

Feedback and me

Through the last two years, the process of regularly receiving feedback has become un-threatening. I now find myself feeling hugely grateful for insight and critique. I am mostly able to keep my emotional response at bay, and listen out for practicalities. Remember the example of the athlete and their coach… I have realised I would rather be better than stubborn. I consider everything that’s reflected back to me and take on board whatever makes sense for me.

Now, the biggest challenge when it comes to feedback is a lack of robust-ness or specificity. Let me have it!

In a nutshell

Why do we give feedback?
It’s a constructive and measured opportunity to let somebody know what they’re doing well and what they could improve on. It can increase their self-awareness, which in turn enables personal development. It is a gift, not a threat.

How do you avoid emotional backlash?
Consider the context and the delivery. Is feedback warranted? Is it wanted? Are you being practical or are you being personal?

How to take feedback
Offer the person giving you feedback the benefit of the doubt. They’re probably not being an arsehole. Listen to them, take it on board, and carry forward whatever works for you. If you can push through defensiveness, you’re on to a winner.

Conclusion

Constructive criticism is not an attack; it’s an essential tool for growth. There’s no shame in not being perfect, so someone pointing out a way to improve – or make things better, or easier – is an act of generosity.

Learning this has made me a better employee, it’s strengthened my relationships, and it genuinely feels like it’s taken a weight off my shoulders.

Over the last couple of years, normalising the giving and receiving of feedback has been somewhat of a revelation for me and I now look forward to a long and healthy life where feedback becomes a habit.

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