Nevermind! — Not communicating your needs

You’re meeting your friends for dinner. You’re all talking about where you should go. Instead of adding your pick to the mix, you’d rather go with the flow. You’re happy with whatever everyone else wants. Easy breezy. 

People-pleasers don’t communicate their needs to others. Maybe this is because when they have tried to, they’re not listened to. Or maybe it’s because they don’t know themselves. Whilst being flexible around restaurant choices doesn’t sound like the worst thing in the world, imagine the consequence of constant concession. You must learn to identify what your needs are; it is only then you will be able to advocate for them. 

Here’s a thought: 
For one week, start the morning by identifying the one thing that will make your day.
How difficult was it for you to work out what that thing was? Were you able to prioritise yourself and do that one thing each day? How did you feel? 

Sorry isn’t the hardest word  — Over-apologising (for things that aren’t your fault)

Your boss asked you to complete a research task and has moved the debriefing meeting twice already. When you finally sit down to discuss your findings, you begin with “I’m so sorry, I know how busy you are… I’ll keep this brief.”

Taking responsibility for your actions is a fantastic trait. But taking too much responsibility, especially for actions that aren’t your own, is diminishing.

Here’s a thought: 
Next time you write sorry in a work email, delete it. 
Does it affect the tone of the email? Was it a necessary and authentic requirement, or more of a tick? Can you re-frame the apology with a more positive notion? 

Don’t worry, you’re right  — Conflict avoidance 

Your partner said they would be in charge of taking the Christmas tree down. It’s now mid-February; the leaves are dry, the floor is carpet of cautious-treading. The elephant in the room, you find yourself pining for the pine to be anywhere but there. 

Conflict is a perfectly healthy part of any relationship. So is collaboration. Holding back on expressing frustration, needs or wants leads to eruptions further down the line. 

Here’s a thought: 
Next time you’re feeling frustrated with a friend, partner, or colleague, book in a time to check in with each other. This gives you time to organise your thoughts, as well as the opportunity to discuss the situation when emotions aren’t heightened. It’s never easier not to say it. 

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People-pleasing does not equate to being a nice, generous person; being kind and helping others is no bad thing. It’s when it crosses a line and comes at a personal cost. 

“People pleasers displease themselves to please others”. 

Jay Shetty

You are NOT a pushover. You are NOT weak. There will be a reason why you have developed people-pleasing tendencies as a coping mechanism. To be discussed in a later post… until then. 

Molly x

This post was inspired by Jay Shetty’s podcast On Purpose