Stop what you’re doing!

Since challenging myself each morning to set a daily intention (read about it here: A Week of Pleasing Myself) I have been continuing the practice, because here’s what I’ve noticed:

1. It focusses me on one thing each day, which stops me flip flopping around from task to task.
2. This gives me a feeling of accomplishment, because by and large I am able to tick off that one thing on my list each day without too much difficulty.
3. … which in turn makes me feel satisfied and happy.

It’s been nothing short of a revelation.

Now each morning, as I walk my dog around the field, I continue to ask myself: what is the one thing I can do today that will make my day?

Highlights have included:

• Daily morning walks 
• Meaningful decorating progress 
• Quality time with loved ones

And then it was a weekend. 

Everything was under control. I had food in the fridge, no deadlines for work, and no fixed plans. As I was ruminating over my ’one thing’ for the day, I didn’t want to choose an administrative task, or something that felt suitable for any old weekday. I wanted something… weekend-y.

So I set myself the intention of: doing nothing productive.

Eesh. Almost the second I said it out loud, I began to squirm. Which was when I knew I was on to something.

Does a wash count? What about cooking? A dog walk?

It’s Saturday, I reminded myself. Nothing is urgent, and there are no terrible consequences should my ball be dropped. If you can’t go ‘off list’ at the weekend, when can you? Plus, there’s always Sunday to sweep up any pressing tasks… what’s the worst that can happen?

So a day of nothing productive it was.

Initially, I floundered. So… what then? My brain took me to a place of second-tier chores. The ones more pressing tasks tend to mask. Ooh, I can scrape that paint off the window! I thought to myself. Or maybe I could organise the Tupperware cupboard? Jeez. No!

Nothing productive…

This was when the intention behind the task started to shift. What did I actually want to do… as opposed to have to do?

The dog walk transitioned from a practical item, to an activity. It was up to me to choose the length of the amble, the route, and how far I’d like to venture; mentally shifting from a chore to an indulgence. We went out as a family, chose a medium length route on a sunny day, took it at our own pace… and it was delightful.

There was sport on that day and instead of splitting the house – with him watching the game, while I busy myself with bits – I chose to anchor myself and engage with the match. He filled me in on the relevant backstories and what was at stake; we had snacks, and drinks, sat together under a blanket… and it was lovely.

I napped. I watered the pots in the garden. I indulged in long cuddles with my dog, not distracted or moving her out the way in pursuit of my device.

I spent the day doing nothing I “should” do, and I felt restored and re-charged as a result.

People-pleasers please others at the cost of themselves. They do not have their needs met, either because they don’t know how to ask for them, or don’t know what they are. They spend their time trying to fit in, be good, and be liked. Because of this they feel the need to make everything perfect, be perfect, and can’t be seen to drop the ball.

Discomfort comes with a house that needs cleaning, a wash that needs doing, a relative that needs visiting.

Doing nothing – i.e. doing something for yourself – sits uncomfortably for a people-pleaser. It might feel like too much of an indulgence, too selfish. Something to be embarrassed about should anyone find out.

Allow me to offer a different perspective.

The real ones in your life want you to be happy. They want you to be your authentic self. They want you to be present. Time spent together if you are inauthentic or mentally absent is not of good quality. Time spent apart if it is providing you with the rest and re-charge you need to move forward is valuable, and will be respected.

As Dr Seuss puts it so perfectly: 

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

TL;DR

• People-pleasers often don’t know how to meet their needs. Learn how to discover your needs here: A Week of Pleasing Myself. 
• Unmet needs can cause resentment, stress, and burnout. Learn more about The Cost of People-Pleasing.
• Allow yourself time to rest and recuperate; you won’t be judged for it. Those that matter will champion and support you.

When was the last time you spend a day doing nothing productive?